FUCK!!!!
i thought everything was ok , i thouhgt i was doing ok for once i said to myself "hey your doin something w/ your life , your happy once again everything will be fine"...and i believed myself (stupid me)but liek everything else it all crumbled apart and im left w/ this feeling of emptyness, dissapointment i just want to fucking die!!

it finally hit me, well its been creepin up on me the past week ive had this horrible feeling of failure, that something wasnt rite and i was correct.
after getting home from a wonderful day (that i tried soo hard not to fuck up, not to start crying out of nowhere and cant explain)i decide to take a nice hot shower and relax. well i spent almost an hour sitting in the tub CRYING as the scolding hot water beat at my body, it burned but i couldnt move i just didnt care to, i was forced out of the bathroom by some1 needing to use it and refused to go downstairs..asshole!..
and up until a lil bit ago ive been layin on my bedroom floor in the dark in my towel cryin cause i had collapsed there and had no energy to get up.
The way im feel, what im going thru (whatever it is) has nothin to do w. ne1 specific. just from the way i think, the way i let people burn there opinons or whatever they have of me or to say to me in my brain( horrible things) my lack of work, failure and no motivation to go to school, im not very bright, i let people walk all over me,i let people use me. it al gets to me and i dont know what to do .
Everything i look at makes me sad, i always vision myself doin somethin horrible, like when im waiting for the train as its pulling up i see myself just jumping off the platform , i shouldnt think like that , its sick, im sick.
i think about my past how fucked up it was i cant get away from it ..SOO PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING PERFECT??..FUCK YOU!...i remember everyday i had to live life walkin on eggshells around my mother and her husband and i always carried spare panties, toothbrush and deoderant in my bag w/ me at all times cause they were just soo keen on always giving me the boot.i always had people in my face either it would be my mother n her husband, teachers/ security guards/ deans/COPS/truent "cops" or my father OH LORD MY FATHER thank whoever for his horrible aim or i would have a BROKEN FACE!!.
i met a boy, wel truthfully ive met many boys but this boy had "the one" written all over him whoo boy was i wrong. i fell in love head over heals topsy turvy in love!!, he was my soulmate- me w/ a penis, i was blind, or was it him who was , he who saw w/ his eyes and not w/ his heart. while i gave him everything put everything on the line for him i would have died for him, but i guess in his eyes i was just a fun ride that lasted to long and had a huge car wreck w/ a huge bill fee to get rid of, and he did and i havent heard from him since, i was left all alone i had abandoned my family for him,i was broken hearted,i lost a huge part of myself on march 15th, and i lost him. he was a great actor i believed everything he fed me i fell into it all , and after all was done and i tried to pick myself back up again i turned into sometihn horrible, using guys liek they had or would have used me , i turned into him, i actually lied to some1 tellin them i loved them when i didnt i only wanted to pretend and be w. some1 just to be w/ some1 w/ hope i could get somethin out of it, maybe i would be loved liek really loved and i would know how that felt but i couldnt do it forever so i told the person the truth he was broken, furious, wants to kill me and he has every rite to i was evil and im srry im truly sorry, no1 should ever feel the way he made me feel not even close to it , its just to much to deal w/ to much pain but for me my whole life was pain.
I WANT TO BE LOVED, HOW DOES IT FEEL??..PLEASE SOME1 DESCRIBE IT TO ME !

im not workin and i hate this, i hate that my last job had used me i loved them and it soo much they were my family but in the end they used me just liek pretty much everyone else had used me. you could all rot!
you made me this way you did it you all of you!!..fuck what am i saying im just fucked up theres no excuse, fingers shouldnt be pointed its just me ........
lately i made a new friend and i opend up after so long and it felt soo good, i finally get to be myself and iwont get laughed at for it or abused and its AMAZING. He has been so nice to me, given me so much, made me feel so much better about myself and i thank you and i wish i could do the same for you but you are soo much stonger then i am , im soo lucky to have you in my life <3
i need to pick myself up again , i need to get back to workin, or being creative, doing somethin w/ my time, but first i need to get this shit out of my head , these fucked up voices repeating in my head, i want to live life have fun i want to love and actually be loved in return
wow crazy i knwo rite ..(but im not so lucky for that to happen) but i am lucky enuf for my urge to cut is back fullforce, i cant do it i wont i wont i shouldnt but its nice for the time, for a lil bit its the one thing i control, or so i let myself think.

w0w this is all over the place this is just what was in my head at this moment and its not even all of it but im goin to end it now im srry for takin up space on your friends page, please dont pity me please dont i just needed to get this out thinkin maybe it would help..mm nope not helping yet.

one more thing ive been thinkin of just dissapearing for a lil bit maybe it would help me out , but that would only be me runnin away from my problems only to come back for more,,fuck running ill walk..i need to get away ..i need somethin i dont knwo what does anybody know, i cant think anymore goin to cry myself to sleep.
if i seem wierd or out of place to you liek somethings wrong or im gone you cant reach me nethin its all here and more!

i dont want to be a burden to anyone i dont want to hurt anyone.

i love you, im sorry.