Current mood:	crappy
Current music:	the used~ i caught fire

curiosity killed the cat...
::sighs::....i cant believe im goin to do this ....

hes always popin up in my life/head and after all the hard work i do to forget him like hes forgotten me ..but nope i have to find things that reminds me of him, old notes,drawings,photos etc..liek so ...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v716/trashyXslut/IMG_1863.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v716/trashyXslut/IMG_1857.jpg

arghh!!..sometimes i wish i can go back to those days (i better get workin on that time machine then ) yea they had there problems but at the end of the day they were over n done w/ and it would just be him and myself in a nice snuggly warm bed..just the 2 of us. telling eachother how much we loved one another...( i have not spoke those words to anyone since him..its been over a year..i believe 2?..time flys)..how we would travel,how we would be together forever start our own family and not have our children turn out the way we did cause of fucked up childhoods.

But then came the problems tween our familys and us or fam vs fam..cause my family just cant let ne1 be happy they have to make everything into a fuckin war....then came the drugs..my endless bickering over the drugs or other stupid things...lack of trust (we each thought the other was cheating)the screaming..verbal abuse..hitting(mainly on my part)..it was a mess oh yea on top of all that and al the other things i missed throw in a child..yay..that makes it all better..NOT..he lied to me ..he fuckin lied to me ..he told me things wil be ok ..he PROMISED things would be ok ..he swore he wasnt goin anywhere..and i like a fool believed him...why did i have to fall in love?!?!?!
after the horrible deed was done ..me not bein able to go home yet cause of the medication was talked into goin w/ them to a friends house where they all were chilling..i was in soo much pain no1 could understand..no1 cared..soo there i was i felt liek i was goin to die..you couldnt imagine what was running thru my head w/ what i had just done..& holding tightly to my folder which held all that i had left of it..and with a snap of the fingers he was gone 2..our relationship was over and i was stranded.
our relationship was over but the fights and i love you..i FUCKIN HATE YOUS.grew each day ..i couldnt just let it end liek that id take the abuse to try to talk to him...id tried to lock him in the house , not to leave ..to talk things out...it was so hard to share a bed at nite w/o him holding me ..i was fightin for somethin that was long gone...i killed myself each day over it ..how i let it get to what it was ..it was all my fault..

i tried to form some sort of friendship w./ him up until i moved back to brooklyn..even a few more times after that..sometimes i catch myself goin to dial his # to hear his voice and try again but i stop and walk away from the phone..

its over ..everything..and ive dealt w/ it ..nothin is perfect..im not perfect..and my actions my word certainly werent perfect.

i realize im rambling..oh well yes i know im all over the place some w/out point..but u can ut the peices together for yourself.

i miss the feeling of goodness, love, protection,happiness...i havent opend myself up to another guy since him..i havent told another guy i loved them since him..ive never felt loved they way i did since him..i promised myself i would never do that again..
but after a while you get lonely ..u try to cover these feelings of wanting to be loved, and i did just that ..i fell and i fell hard..i coverd those feelings w./ sex..best friends..people who actually did have feelings for me..couple of random people..i even began to start talkin to people online and met 2 offline..i used them all and they used me ..it was bad..i couldnt hold on much longer..i needed to stop i needed to get a grip..i think im doin pretty ok for myself now..i try to occupy my time w/ work..and to avoid people that want to bring me back into that mess..

i am happy now im stil lonely n empty n wish to hear those words spoken to me and feel that amazing feeling i once felt and just cling onto it soo tight and always feel liek that ..
but that wont happen cause im a horrible person and no1 loves me or would love me and wel i dont blame them..

i have time..not long but some..ill manage the rest of my time w.o it ..i have so far.

ive never really trusted ne1 since him..i hold everything inside..i keep to myself..ive forgotten who i once was..what am i now???

to anyone who actually read this ..IM SO SORRY ...
its useless mind rambling SHIT!!

im goin to take some pills n get a nap now..


some advise..never be to curious..it does kill in the end...