Current mood:

depressed

g.i joes and karate matches in the backyard, and everythings alright.....
aghh..where to begin....lets go ermm backwards i guess..last nite (fri) went to rocky w/ steph her new "boy toy" and this other chick mela?..i owno...whatever..i really wanted it to be just steph and i but meh he had a car n she wanted to see him soo there went that bonding idea n havin some1 to talk to out the fuckin window..0-well..but it wasnt that bad, he picked us up at 113oish and we made it to the theatre in time..whoo..i just needed to throw there names on the list n i was set ( i liek to laugh at others..hehe)..when arrived i spotted toni n we basically tackled eachother..fuckin awsome..hehe..then it all began they wanted to kill me but mehh i had my chuckles and steph won soo its all good (tho we know she could have done WAYYY better then what she did),afterwards toni comes up to me n was liek if i were u if jump for a bag soo i did and i got one muahah i w happy camper til i had to stand up in front w/ 3 other people in a challenge to list all tim currys movies...i was blank i cant handle bein in front of people i get scared and dig a hole n crawl into it ..but i won anyways cause toni is AWSOME...i <3 u girl..soo now i have/will have a ticket to see spamalot..wahoo SCORE!! it wil be my first time goin to see nethin since grease when i was liek 9-10..and ill be alone :( maybe i can convince or see if some1 could get a tickefor whenever it is and come with..if im lucky but thats doubtfull...meh....the show was great i had fun and the other 3 did 2..yay i did good!!.for once..i got the strangest voicemail from sean ..i believ he was drunk..teehee ( i wish i was ) i tried callin back but by that time he prolly passed out..WHIMP!!..we got pizza after the show and none of us felt liek goin home soo we drove round the city for a lil bit blasting some awsome tunes and singin our hearts heart..(yes yes i sang..not well but i did..bahh!)we came up w. the idea of maybe goin to a diner for coffee or somethin to relax n talk n what not ..soo were drivin n yea i see were not headed the rite way ..look at the signs WERE GOIN TO FUCKIN STATEN ISLAND....wahoooo you knwo what that means i got to satisfy my pancake urges at PERKINS!!!!..its hot sex..(yes at 4 am there still open cause they are HARDCORE!).. mm coffee and choc chip pancakes ne fat chick would die for it ..oh yes deff..hehe..i would ..perkins was basically ours besides a few of the typical SI guido tuff guy and there trophee chicks..(crackheads i swear)..we were all loud ALL OF US..Oddly enough i found some1 that would take chewed up pancakes rite out of my mouth and eat it ..oh yea seems gross but cool...lol..makes me comfortable w/. them..lol..plus pre-chewed food always tastes better when your sharing it our of others mouths.(ahahah)..ok enough of that shit..after perkins steph n a.j got into a play fight that lasted 10 mins over keys (in the parkinglot) awww how cute.. i just wanted to throw up my yummy pancakes.phew!...
after dropping mela? off at home we drove around then headed back to bklyn..bahhhh..eww..listend to DREAM THEATER..HOT SEXXX...i got tired of sittin in the back all by myself w/ no1 to hold or kiss as they were openly doin as he was drivin..ackk..soo i took a lil nap n woke up once we got to stephs place..i spent the nite there and so did he..it was around 7 or so when i passed out for a lil bit then woke up a hour later..yay!..i need fuckin sleep..they were goin to the clinic to get tested i was supposed to go w/ but no my mother feels i should be home at 9 in the mornin and clean my room..y cause shes crazy and i i woulda came home at 10 oh no..i wouldnt beable to clean??..bah..i need to go to the clinic, but im soo scared i have a huge fear of needles ( yes yes even tho i do love to get peirced and i want more ink) i just hate them i go insane and turn int othe hulk or a hysterical baby once i se them come to me to either prick my finger or draw from my arm..INSANE I TEL U INSANE!!!but i do need to go and i do need a checkup and i do well i would liek birth control..i dont think its asking much ..but as always i have to find and go to these places all on my own ..my mothers motto s once i get a gyno youll get one..hmm ok crazy lady go choke on a stick please...

so now i am home..im tryin to clean i swear i am ..i jsut have no motivation to and im on 0 sleep..but i did manage to get all my dirty clothes down stairs for the grandmother to do it soo yay clean clothes for me and i can stop buyin them ..lol..im in tears atm actualy..im listenin to konstantine by soco..aghhh why do i ..why do i sit here n listen to these beautiful words and dream of things and then i wake up and things r well there shit..but meh ..

i have about 5 finished disposable cameras ive dug up and i should go get them developed one day n see who or what are on them..yess i shall next payday...work was simple tho all i did was watched the boss's baby all week hehe..im the au pair?..hahah..thats how they call for me ..its nice..its nice to watch other peoples children..i just dont want / actually im not even sure i can have my own..meh if nethin i can always adopt...
even monday was a good day it was soo beautiful out and i hardly worked at work..i believe the most i did that day was sweep..lol..then after i met up w/ aron and we went into the city for a lil then we went to queens mall and i want to buy EVERYTHING!!!..but i only bought a skirt and 2 t's and ofcourse i bought aron dinner..bahh!!..

i have found a lil ( or well actualy its a whole lot) of happiness in the past couple o weeks but still theres a part of me thats goin to crack and i fear what will happen if i do ..wil it all come to a end?..will they put me away?..or ..or fuck it i cant deal w/ it ok ..i cant..we all know how wel i deal w/ things just check out my stomach..fuckin peachy ehh..btw thnx to work im not staring at 10 brand new straight edge razors i pocketed from just just incase ...just incase..i just need a lil somethin ..a lil slice..i feel liek im addicted to crack or soemthin jeez just look at me ..im pathetic..i just want the pain to go away..i sit in the corner of my dark room listenin to depressing music staring at all the possibilities i have sitting around my room and how i should do it ..should i test out the beautiful nooses a customer at work taught me how to make ..should i down every pill available?...or should i put the beautiful shiny metalic razors and slice them smoothly across my soft tender skin and sit and watch as it all drains from my body leaving trails of blood and beautiful slits all over my body..........................................................

i just dont knwo what to do ..i need some1 to help me ..i cant help myself nemore.....

i do knwo one thing and that one hings true..i hope....


i wish i had guts..then you would know exactly how i feel..instead i coward and hide..im such a whimp!..

i need to go and try to clean and find somethin better to listen to ..somethin not to depressing..

im goin to add pics l8r once i remember my photobucket password..bahh

"your so beautiful , beautiful in every single way..."

<333 roxxi